Bread for the Journey

This is the time of year when the nights are longest. There was a time in my life when I felt broken due to expectations of others. I lived from the “outside in” always looking at goals, results, and numbers. I began to rely more on myself rather than God and I lost touch of the unique person God created. I felt isolated and lonely. I stopped singing, playing, and listening to the silence. I was in a dark, cold, distant place.

I think of the still, silent chrysalis where the butterfly’s head, body, and wings take shape in the dark. I, too, was in a cocoon. Suffering from daily migraines, I couldn’t hear God’s voice because I thought I was in control.

Through contemplative prayer, I allowed myself to become vulnerable so God could enter into my despair. And that is when hope began to shine through the cracks of my dry soul.

Nothing in all creation is so like God as stillness. ~Meister Eckhart

Be still before the Lord, and wait patiently for him.  Psalm 37:7

Tonight many of us get to witness a Geminid meteor shower. Knowing little about meteors, I did a bit of research. I was struck by the descriptive words for this spectacle of nature because it is also language used to describe God: amazing, marvelous, astounding, splendor, astonishing, wondrous, extraordinary, magnificent, glorious.

Where I live the cloud cover is too thick tonight to view any stars. I will imagine a glory-filled sky glowing with shooting stars above the clouds.

Worship the Lord in holy splendor. Psalm 96:9

This morning, the “day 12” of my Advent tea calendar, was a fermented dark tea, pu’erh or hēichá (黑茶), from Yunnon. Unfamiliar to me, I looked up pu’erh tea and was pleasantly surprised to discover that it stands up to multiple steepings. The photo above was taken after steeping three times and I learned that it can last even many more times. It almost seems everlasting.

At some point, I know the flavor of the tea leaves will diminish. It makes me think of how many times I’ve doubted or abandoned God for more enticing things, yet God never diminishes. God is everlasting and will always be present in my life. It’s I who must be present to God.

Every Monday I get to spend time with four-year-olds in Kindermusik. We open with a song, welcoming each child by name, and singing about the “happy sunny day.”

But sometimes it’s not a sunny day. Today was overcast, yet bright. As we were about to get to that part of the song we paused and looked out the window at the sky. “What lovely clouds!” I exclaimed. We took this opportunity to reflect on the various looks of clouds and how sometimes we can see shapes of animals and other objects in them. When clouds look dark they may be full of rain, and what a wonderful gift that would be for the dry parts of our world.

So we continued with our song, singing of a “happy cloudy day.”

I suspended a bell in my office at church today. I received this as a gift last Christmas and all year have been pondering where to hang it. I am excited that it’s placed where it can be a visible reminder to me of prayer and joy. Even working in a church, it helps to be reminded of God’s presence.

At the monasteries I’ve visited, bells ring out to call the monks to their community prayers, called the Divine Offices or Liturgy of the Hours. The Benedictine way of life, Ora et Labora, is the motto they live by, balancing their lives with prayer and work.

As a Benedictine oblate, one of my promises is to weave proper balance into all elements of my life. Living outside of a monastic community, without the bells calling me to a regular time of prayer with God, I must be especially alert to God’s presence. The bell in my office will help me to “listen with the ear of my heart” to God and to respond to God’s call with joy and gratitude.

I would love for you to visit me, ring my new bell, and maybe even share stories of joy.

Sometimes I get stuck in a rut. Then I am pleasantly surprised when I encounter something new and unexpected. This morning, I was awakened by an unexpected tea. I usually sip English Breakfast or Chai tea and, on occasion, enjoy a refreshing fruit or floral flavor. But my senses discovered something new with the nut tea I tried today. I never thought nuts could be the main ingredient in tea, yet steeping them with apples offered a unique flavor.

New experiences awaken my senses, my curiosity, and my creativity. I think that pleases God.

Christian education is what I was used to hearing while growing up in my church, but we call it faith formation now. I like the word formation. When something is formed, such as a rock, it often begins sharper, more jagged. Over time, shaped by water or other elements, the rough edges become more smooth; the rock takes on a new shape.

Reflecting on my life as a Christian, I have noticed my “shapes,” both external and internal. Everything I experience and every person I encounter shape me into who God intends me to be. Most of this occurs when I’m not aware of it; surely, even, while sleeping.

Journaling is important in remembering how my life has been shaped. It is never too late to begin writing down these memories and experiences. I have rough edges that need to be brushed by the elements. But, don’t we all? This is how we learn and grow.

The more I draw closer to God the more I realize I cannot journey alone. I cannot live “alone” without God’s help. I cannot be who I want to be for others or who I think God wants me to be without God’s guidance. I need help.

Faith formation is hard work! Rocks are hard, yet they can be shaped with help and time. So can we.

After getting home from choir rehearsal tonight I baked dozens of spicy cheese stars for my husband’s office party tomorrow. The last batch is in the oven and it’s past midnight. Now I’m wondering what to write about for my evening prayer. When I’m at a loss for words I turn to the Bible or hymnal for inspiration.

As I view the fresh mound of stars from the oven I think of how, in the book of Philippians, we are reminded that God is at work in each one of us and we are encouraged to “shine like stars in the world”. Soon I will drift off to sleep pondering how I might become a breath of fresh air to others.

I recently heard a Christmas concert given by talented singers and pianists. As I listened to them perform “live,” I realized how much we miss the dimension and the fullness when we hear only recordings of performances. We miss out on the breath, the movement, and the expressions noticed only when we’re near.

Whenever I visit St. Meinrad Archabbey and chant with the monks, I experience another realm within the music which I cannot explain with words. I am usually bothered with out-of-tune music, however, the chanting is so mysterious, devoted, and humble that I do not notice imperfection. It sounds like deep prayer and I feel surrounded by God’s love.

As I seek a closer relationship with God, I realize more and more how necessary it is for me to be living and present so I don’t miss out on God’s dimension, breath, and movement through the Holy Spirit.

To send light into the depths of the human heart – that is the artist’s calling! ~Robert Schumann

The tea prepared from my Advent calendar this morning was named Glitter and Gold. After steeping, little specks of gold floated in the tea. This was an unexpected treat!

Like tiny fragments of light, they remind me of how God shows up in unexpected places. I try to keep alert and mindful of seeing God in my everyday life, but it’s not easy to remember; especially when life is busy. Yet that’s when it seems to be most important.

By looking for and listening to God, I learn more about myself and who God wants me to be. This knowledge doesn’t come all at once. The more I remember to look and listen, the easier it becomes. Eventually, prayer becomes a continuous stream of light.

Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances. 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18